


My identity's always getting the best of me

by Rae_Saxon



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Cyber sex, F/M, Online Relationship, Phone Sex, Texting, the whole thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:41:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22630408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rae_Saxon/pseuds/Rae_Saxon
Summary: The Doctor realises that everyone she's ever gotten close to has left her. So she just can't let O get close. Thank God for the human kind's invention of smart phones. || Is it dub con if she doesn't know he's the Master yet? In that case: Dub Con || Yes. This is based on 3am by Halsey. I don't regret a thing.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan)
Comments: 96
Kudos: 337





	1. Chapter 1

Four out of five times, lying alone in the dark, staring at a ceiling she couldn't even see anymore was alright for her. She had gotten used to it.

One out of five times, she wanted to tear her face out of her head, just to feel to be able to breathe again.

It all came crashing down on her. The darkness in her hearts, lurking, waiting, feeding, the guilt, the past she just never, ever could leave behind.

God, she had lost so many people. Here she was, with her new friends, and she could still hear their voices, the hurt in their words, when they asked her if that was what would become of them – Ghosts of the TARDIS, long forgotten as she moved on to the next companion.

The Doctor laughed bitterly into the night.

Oh, how she wished she could forget them.

She had new friends, now. Friends who didn't realise who she was just yet, friends who blindly believed in her, viewed her as this beacon of light and hope. Right now, they were home, sleeping in their beds, safe and sound, keeping up the appearance for their families and friends, the appearance that they were safe.

For a second, the Doctor had considered simply calling them, tearing them once again out of the safety of their homes and out into the vastness of the universe. But when she had grabbed her phone, her finger was hovering over the call button, before she put it down with a sigh.

She'd end up alone again. Hurt again. Broken again. Guilty again.

They'd simply ended up dead again. Forgetting again. Forgotten. Trapped. Leaving her.

No, she needed something else. But she definitely needed something. Needed something to calm the storm in her hearts, to keep her from tearing herself apart.

The Doctor scrolled to the list of numbers she had saved, wincing once or twice, wincing at the names of friends lost forever, all lost by her hands. She knew, none of them would ever blame her, but it didn't matter – She did it enough as it was.

But there was one name in her contacts, not connected to any pain, no grief, no guilt, just someone she used to know, back when she had been someone else.

Would he be up for a call from outer space, at 3am in the morning, from a sad alien that had changed gender?

She hesitated, just for a moment, but suddenly the urge to call got too strong, the desire to hear that calming, kind, silky voice over-powering her.

It's been a while, she thought, as she hit call. A while since agent O had shaken up her words with sweet brown eyes, a smile to light up rooms and so, so little ties to all the horrors living in her hearts.

The Doctor hadn't bothered, back when she had met him, to ever call again, was too caught up in her drama, her constant battles, her constant grief, but right now... Yes. Right now, O was exactly what she needed.

She hadn't genuinely expected him to pick up, but after the third ring, he did, and the sound of his slightly sleepy-confused voice made her hearts jump in nervousness she wasn't quite used to.

“Doctor?”

“Hi. Yes. Me. Uhm. Did I wake you?”

There was a little pause.

“Your voice changed,” O finally replied, some of the drowsiness slowly fading out of his voice. She had most definitely woken him up. And he was kind enough not to mention it.

The Doctor sighed.

“Not just my voice, I'm afraid. Sorry. Forgot to update my Whatsapp.” She grinned into the phone, then remembered he couldn't see her and quickly let it die again.

“Is that this regeneration thing?” O asked with a little laugh. “You're a woman now?”

“Yeah, hang on, I'll show you.”

She carefully minimised the call and took a picture of herself, then looked down at it with a frown. Dark circles underneath her eyes, the corners of her mouth not quite as raised as she had hoped they'd be, her hair was messy and the light of the flash in the dark room made her look paler than she really was.

Still, she thought. Not a beauty contest. Just an update.

She sent him the picture and could hear him gasp in surprise as he opened the message.

“Look at that.” She could hear his grin through the phone. “You even got eyebrows this time around.”

The Doctor laughed, her hearts suddenly feeling lighter. This had been a surprisingly good idea. This was working out. It was so much better than lying around in the dark. It made her feel more secure.

“Glad you approve of my eyebrows,” she smirked back into the phone.

“Not just of the eyebrows,” came a very prompt reply and the Doctor found herself grinning.

Oh God. Flirting. Was that what they were doing? The Doctor chew her lower lip thoughtfully. Well, she had called him at 3 in the morning, in a desperate attempt to receive any sort of easy validation. So fair enough. Flirting it was.

It felt good, anyway.

“I'm a big fan myself,” she spoke into her phone, setting down onto her back, pulling up a blanket as she lay back down. “Never been a woman before. It's new. Makes some problems, sometimes, in fighting the bad guys, when half of the universe suddenly takes you less serious just because you look different, but... Not letting that stop me.” She scrunched into the emptiness of the room. God, it felt good. Just talking freely, no need to act a certain way, no need to pretend to be alright.

It felt safe.

“Ah yes,” O laughed. “People's weird affliction of under-valuing women. How's that working out for you?”

“Gonna just continue to prove them wrong, show them what women can do, don't I? Technically, I'm not really one, gender doesn't really apply to Time Lords, but they don't need to know that.”

“Sounds like you're fighting the good fight out there.”

Was it her imagination or did O sound really proud when he replied? God, she liked this distance flirting thing. All the things she could tell herself to feel better, all the validation she could just make up without ever being disproved.

“So what are you up to?” The Doctor asked and she could hear from his sigh, that he was very aware she did not call at this time of night to ask him that – But he had enough decency not to bring it up.

One of the good ones, she thought with a smirk.

“Ah, you know. Loads of hacking, loads of getting mocked for believing in alien that can randomly change gender. That sort of thing.”

The Doctor snorted.

“Sorry for the trouble I'm causing, then.”

“Ah, I wouldn't worry about it,” O replied with amusement in his voice. “Some people are simply worth the trouble.”

“I'm not sure I am,” the Doctor gave back earnestly, suddenly feeling the weight of her burdens drag her down again. She swallowed hard, quickly trying to regain her light spirits, but it was too late either way – O seemed to have immediately noticed that something was wrong. His voice had lost all of its playfulness when he replied.

“Of course you are. Don't say that. You helped me stand up for my beliefs and saved Earth at the same day, didn't you?”

She stared dully into the dark, thinking hard about how to turn the conversation back to light subjects, then finally gave up.

Darkly, she told him, “Maybe. Yeah. But you've seen me one day, O. You don't know what I'm like. The darkness following me, the true dimensions of the trouble that's always by my side. I... I've ended worlds, dragged people out of their lives, into... into...”

She stopped herself, shaking her head pain-stricken.

But when O answered, his tone had only turned gentler.

“You're not dragging people anywhere, Doctor. They're following you, because they decide that you're worth it. It's their choice.”

“I don't... I don't want to talk about this, anymore.”

She found her own hands trembling as she held the phone, considering simply hanging up. But a part of her didn't want to, a part of her was longing for his voice, his kindness, his company.

O sighed.

“Fine then. We won't talk about it. Want me to make you forget?”

There was something very obviously flirty in his voice and she knew where this was going, she knew it immediately and her hearts sped up in excitement and... fear?

Well, that was new. She was not known to be afraid, but all of a sudden, the thought of meeting him, of touching him felt so heavy, weighing her down, reminding her of all she's done to everyone who ever got close to her.

“Yes,” she said. “Yes, I do. But...” She bit her lip, unsure how to tell him without it sounding like an absolute rude rejection, when he surprised her.

“You don't want to meet me in person.”

“It's not that I don't... it's just I don't feel...”

“I understand,” he hastily assured her. “You feel like a burden right now, right? To everyone around you? Like you're just going to drain their light.”

She paused, for a second, then sighed.

“I hate that you know what it feels like.”

“Can't help it,” O replied sadly. “I think we all feel like that sometimes. So uhm... that shirt you're wearing?”

The Doctor looked down at herself, frowning. She had kept her rainbow shirt on, but given up on the suspenders. She checked for possible stains, but there was nothing to see.

“What about it?”

“Take it off.”

Ah.

She hesitated, only for a single second, suddenly feeling stupid, alone in her dark room, but his voice seemed to echo in her mind, wrapping around her like velvet, making her feel like she wanted to do exactly what he said and... well, why the hell not. She _did_ want to forget.

With a swift throw, her shirt was flying across the room.

“Okay,” she muttered and there was his voice again, full of approval, low in seduction, and it felt like an embrace to lean into.

“Lean back, love, try and relax. I want you to touch yourself like I would, can you do that for me?”

The Doctor bit her lower lip, her hand trembling slightly, as she let it wander down.

“You just keep telling me what to do in that voice and I'm fairly sure I'll do _everything_ you want me to.”

That admission made O chuckle and the Doctor, her fingers at the hem of her pants now, found she liked that sound a _lot_.

She had always figured O to be gentle, but now she was lying here, her legs spread and her hand between them, she found herself imagining him rough, completely letting go of the soft person he was outside of the bedroom and somehow, it felt right, felt exactly like what she needed right now.

“Squeeze your breast for me... Now that's a good girl.”

Oh, _oh_ , well that did wonders. She gave one of her breasts a squeeze with her free hand, just at the same time as she cautiously pushed a finger in, and a moan slipped from her lips. For a breathless second, she was waiting for a reaction, any kind really, but his own breathy moan caught her by surprise, still.

“Are you...” she asked, then hesitated, and he laughed hoarsely, arousal apparent in the sound so much, he might as well had moaned again.

“Imagining you spread out on your bed, touching yourself? You bet. God... Doctor...”

She could hear him move and make little pants and her mouth dried.

“Tell me what to do,” she asked and when he simply laughed, added a rather desperate, little “Please”.

That got another moan from him. So that was the game they were playing, was it? She grinned. She was good at that part. She'd played it so many times before.

It was so much easier. To just forget everything else, to follow his voice, follow his instructions and just... let go.

“Another finger, love. And faster... Harder...”

He sounded clearly affected now and for a second, the picture of him, on his bed, hand around his cock appeared before her inner eye, and she let out another loud groan.

Good, far too good.

The Doctor let her eyes fall shut, pumping in another finger, now openly letting her mind wander back to that image, to him, and heard his little gasps and short breaths along with that. It was enough, almost enough...

“What would you do?” she whimpered, “if you were...”

“Kissing you,” came the swift reply and his voice had kept the velvet, but lost his composure. “Anywhere. Everywhere. Bite your neck, take your wrists, hold you down, just... thrust into your deep and... and...”

She could hear him come and it felt almost physically, felt almost as if he was right there beside her and she followed after with a shuddering moan, completely lost in the sound of his little cry.

For a while, there was nothing to hear but their panting and O's breathy little laugh, as he slowly came down from his high. She was enjoying the quiet, lying there in her pillows, hearts still racing, her hand still lying on her stomach, slightly wet fingers leaving a trail.

“Did it help?” he asked, after a few other moments of harmonious silence.

She smiled affectionately.

“It really, really did.”

“I'm glad.”

“We should probably get some sleep... World's not going to save itself. It needs us awake and fit.”

“Feel like you can sleep?” She could hear O's smirk through the phone and she smiled.

“Oh, definitely. But I'd sleep even better if I knew I can call you again.”

To that, he simply laughed.

“Oh, Doctor,” he chuckled. “You can call me _any_ time.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still not sure if I like this or not, but I want to write fanfics full of Cybersex and phone sex and mind sex, so this is going to go online now, whether people laugh over it or not ksmkjsjd

It was so easy to forget, when they were around her. It was so easy to let go of the pain, the tiredness, just for a few moments, just for long enough to appear to be this happy, hopeful person, just for long enough to save the day.

But the truth was, the Doctor hadn't forgotten. She hadn't forgotten that her continued existence had been nothing but a last second whim, nothing but a bad decision you did when adrenaline was running through your veins and fear of dying slowly crept up on you.

God, even she wasn't immune to it, never had been.

They wouldn't understand, of course. Or maybe they would, if she had the energy, the bravery, to tell them. Tell them all that she was, all she had done, all she had lost and all she didn't want to be anymore.

“ _ **Do you think people can change?”**_ she asked O that night via text.

“ _ **Nah,”**_ came the immediate reply and the Doctor smiled bitterly. For some reason, it was the perfect response. It wasn't more of her masks, more of her fake believes thrown around, wasn't light and hopeful, was just a dark, bitter truth given to her in honesty. It was what she needed to hear right now and for a second, she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, just letting it resound in her mind as if she had actually heard him say it.

“Nah,” she whispered. “So I can stop trying? Just for a bit?”

She stared at her phone, as if waiting for another perfect answer, but she knew none would come without her putting her question into words first.

That's when O sent in another text.

“ _ **But you're not people ;)”**_

Smart-ass, she thought, but laughed, the sound loosening the knot in her chest a little.

“ _ **Not sure I can change. I tried for so long”**_ she replied and then stared, completely baffled, at the three eye-roll emojis he sent her back.

“ _ **You don't have to.”**_

The Doctor smiled.

There he was again, being his sweet, idiotic self, head over heels for her and it felt exactly like what she needed.

“ _ **Are you philosophising again?”**_

“ _ **Is that a problem?”**_ the Doctor asked, adding one of these very provoking thinking emojis. She thought they'd fit the occasion.

“ _ **God no. Love when you philosophise. Means more sex for me.”**_

Well, she thought, blushing slightly even as she grinned. He wasn't exactly wrong. She had come to him a lot lately, never in person, mind, but whenever her insecurities, her tiredness, her darkness threatened to get the best of her, he was there to make her forget, make her feel good about herself again and it had been wonderful every single time.

“ _ **Actually thought of changing tactics today. Maybe some online Poker. What do you think?”**_

He sent a GIF of a lady wriggling her eyebrows suggestively and added _**“Strip poker?”.**_

“ _ **Maybe I'll give Tinder a try,”**_ she texted back, just to tease him. _**“Find someone pretty for myself.”**_

It seemed to take O quite a while to realise he was getting teased. There was a little pause, longer than usual, before he replied.

“ _ **You and me are the best match out there and you know it.”**_

Images flashed up in the Doctor's mind before she could suppress them, images of Missy. Missy waking her up when she had almost given up, her voice in her mind, her eyes sharp and clear and she knew, the best match for her had always been the Master, always been this lunatic that was still out there, somewhere, she knew they were.

For now, all she had was O, though. And it was egoistical, it was mean, it was horrible, to just lead him along like this, make him fall for her, just to have a few guaranteed hours of peace from her own mind.

But right now, she needed him to drown out the painful memories he had summoned himself, needed him to drown out the Master.

“ _ **I think you might have to remind me ;)”**_

“ _ **I think you might have to learn how to behave.”**_

It was weird, how quick he could change his tone, how much he could transport in simple letters grouped to one another. His reply shot straight between her legs, leaving her wet as she bit her lower lip, spreading her legs slightly.

“ _ **Well, teach me then...”**_ she replied, sending a picture of her looking into the camera, slightly flushed and with angel emojis attached.

“ _ **You're wearing too many clothes to teach you anything... I would start by getting rid of these cursed suspenders.”**_

Pulling them down with one hand was a bit awkward, but she made it work for the sake of filming a little video for him. She pulled them down seductively slow, then let her shirt follow. The Doctor could see herself, breasts out in the open, nipples standing ready, cheeks flushed and hair puffy from the shirt and it was the first time in a very long time she realised that maybe, she really was... Well, something to be _desired_. In a whole other way than she was used to.

She hit send.

“ _ **Like that?”**_

“ _ **Like that very much. ;) Now to the rest...”**_

There was simply no way to do this sexy and so she slipped out of her trousers urgently with the camera off, then posed with her legs spread, taking a picture and moaning slightly just from the idea of him seeing her like this, shifting on the bed impatiently.

He didn't reply for a minute after this and she smirked, pretty sure she knew why. With another little moan, she let her hand wander between her legs, just probing for now, here and there a light stroke to keep her entertained and when he finally replied, it made her moan again.

“ _ **Good. Very good. Now prepare yourself for me.”**_

“But you're not here,” she whispered, almost making it sound like an accusation, even though she knew it was her own fault, for keeping him at distance, keeping him safe from her, before he burnt himself.

She took a deep breath, letting her fingers slide in, first one, then two, then three, without much effort, shoving these thoughts away and instead thinking of him, on his bed right now, hand in his pants, around his cock, stroking, looking at her pictures, the video, waiting for a reply.

God, it was too _good_ , it wasn't fair how good it was.

“ _ **I don't think I need much preparing...”**_

“ _ **God, Doctor,”**_ he replied.

“ _ **The things you do to me.**_

_**You make me crazy.** _

_**The things I would do to you right now.** _

_**I want you on your knees before me.** _

_**I want the big, strong Doctor on her knees, begging to suck my cock.** _

_**I want to fuck your throat and watch you choke around me.** _

_**And still plead for more with your eyes.** _

_**I want my release dripping down your lips.** _

_**Come on, oh Oncoming Storm.** _

_**Let go for me.”** _

She came faster than she could've imagined, a loud cry leaving her dry lips and for a moment, she just lay there, letting her orgasm wash over her, her breath coming in shallow little heaps, until her mind finally cleared and she remembered O was still waiting.

She grabbed her phone, grinning slightly.

“ _ **How much I'd love to taste you....**_

_**Just let my tongue run down the length of your cock...** _

_**Taking it in as far as I can** _

_**Letting you fuck my mouth...** _

_**I would let you do a n y t h i n g to me.** _

_**Just to have you come inside of me.** _

_**All over me.** _

_**Wherever you want.”** _

For a minute, nothing happened and she let him take his time, grinning knowingly. She had just decided to use the time to put her T-shirt back on, when her phone blinked again.

“ _ **You're better at this than I had thought, you know that?”**_

The Doctor laughed.

_**“I'm a bit surprised myself, to tell the truth.”** _

“ _ **Not as innocent as you pretend to be.”**_

“ _ **Well, you're making it easy for me.”**_

All O replied were kissing emojis. She looked at them for a while, happily smiling, warmth spreading in the pit of her stomach that had nothing to do with arousal for once.

“ _ **Would you cuddle me?”**_ she asked, because suddenly, she felt like it. It had been ages, honest, real ages, since she had anyone allowed that close, that intimate. A whole other stage from sex.

“ _ **You'll find out, if we ever do this in person, ;)”**_

The Doctor sighed.

“Maybe one day, O. Maybe one day,” she whispered, deciding that for now, it was time for sleep. Peaceful, undisturbed sleep, full with nothing but pictures of him.


	3. Chapter 3

One had to appreciate the way O handled their next meeting. She really hadn't been too worried to have him meet her friends, but it was still a relief to look into that friendly face and see nothing but a warm greeting and a new found familiarity between them.

No flirting, no innuendos, nothing but the welcoming offer of tea.

Well, and a shelf full of files about her she noted down as sweet obsession, which she would talk to him about _later_.

Her moment came a day later, when they were all rummaging about in her TARDIS wardrobe, looking for something to wear for Barton's party. O was standing in front of her old suit, regarding it with a frown.

“I think it'll fit,” the Doctor smirked. “Want to try it on?”

O turned around. Everyone else had started spreading out to different rooms to put on their clothes. A little smirked played around the corners of his mouth.

“Only if you watch.”

The Doctor laughed.

“Guess we get to do this in person after all, then?”

“And it only took a little alien invasion and the MI6 kidnapping you. Who would've thought.”

“Well, some people play hard to get, I however...”

O's smile turned sad, just for a second, but she saw it nonetheless.

“Yeah. You can be quite evasive.”

“Sorry,” she sighed. “It's just... Everyone who gets too close seems to get burnt. It's what I do. And I didn't... I didn't want that to happen to you.”

“Aw Doctor,” O replied with a playful smirk. “I think I can decide for myself what's worth burning for.”

She stepped back to the door, looking out and up and down the corridor, but none of her friends seemed to miss them yet. With a little smirk, she locked the door.

“Well then, agent O,” she grinned, “off with these clothes.”

He laughed and she liked the way it lit up his whole face.

“Oh, so you're the boss now?”

“Hell no,” the Doctor giggled. “I'm decidedly not good at that. I'll leave hot and demanding to you.” She raised her eyebrows flirtatiously and the grin on O's face spread.

“Guess you can call me 'Master', then.”

The Doctor flinched so hard, his eyes narrowed in concern.

“What's is it?” he asked, his tone immediately changed to one of worry. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, it's just...” the Doctor mumbled, trying to regain composure. “I don't... let's not do that.”

“I... alright?” O looked taken aback and she sighed.

“You did nothing wrong. I just don't use that... title lightly.”

“Right.” A little smirk twitched around the corners of O's mouth, but was gone with another blink of her eyes. “You still better get rid of these clothes, because we don't have all day, Doctor.”

Quickly regaining her cheek, the Doctor looked him straight in the eyes, gaze not averting even once, as she slowly shed piece for piece of her clothes, loving the way his eyes followed her every move. On his face grew that completely love-struck expression that she had already seen on him and for some reason, it made her hearts beat faster and her arousal go deeper.

He was something else entirely, wasn't he? A whole new thrill, completely made for her.

And she for him, just a tiny little bit.

His gaze changed when she finally stood in front of him, having stepped closer with every piece falling to the floor, from love-sick puppy to smug and lust-filled and it made another chill go over her body. She knew that expression, there had been times she had lived for that expression. How, in this sea of humans all falling head over heels for her, had she instinctively found the one person so perfectly capable of giving her what she needed?

“All of the clothes,” he finally spoke quietly, not taking his eyes off her, and the Doctor, completely naked, smirked, moving forward to start taking off his jacket.

As she slowly undressed him, he let his hands roam over her body appreciative, light fingertips running down her spine, the side of her breasts, her neck and the Doctor shivered, stepping closer instinctively.

O chuckled.

When she had finally reached his trousers, she gave a last, seductive glance at his eyes, then sunk down on her knees, pulling them down with her.

She could hear O moan softly, so softly in fact, she had almost missed it, but the sound seemed to only spur on her own lust. She pulled down his pants, letting his half-hard cock jump out and kissed its tip eagerly, enticing him to another, now louder, moan.

“It's what you wanted, isn't it?” she asked innocently. “Me on my knees before you.”

O's eyes were glowing when he looked down at her and the kind, sweet soul she could usually see in them was completely replaced by lust and dominance, burning right through her.

“That's what I wanted,” he confirmed, sounding calmer than the Doctor had expected him to. “And now I want you to suck my cock.”

God, he was good at this. Who would've expected what had been sleeping behind this innocent mask? She didn't need him to tell her twice, just leant forward, letting him slide inside with a moan around him, the taste of him so... so...

_Familiar?_

Tears shot into her eyes, the mix of arousal and the painful memories now wearing her down together, but she blinked them away and focused on sucking instead, ignoring the images of red grasses glaring up in her mind. She had only ever done this with the Master, that's all it was, and partly, it felt like breaking a rule, like cheating. But she had left her, Missy had decided to leave with _him_ and she would not let the pain stop her now. Not this time.

“Doc...?” he wanted to ask, but she didn't let him, her tongue working harder now, lapping at his cock, laving his balls. She raised her hands, let them come to help, massaging them tenderly before letting his cock slide right into her throat, coughing around him, choking ever so slightly, before pulling back, having him throw back his head, moaning in absolute pleasure.

Losing control, are we? she thought, hollowing out her cheeks and releasing him shortly, just take him all in again. God, it was good, seeing him like that, seeing him part his lips and let out ragged little moans whenever she let his cock slide back in, tasting his salty pre-come on her tongue.

“Doctor?” she heard Yaz' voice from the corridor and instinctively tried to raise her head, but with a loud groan, he shoved back into her, his hands suddenly grasping her hair as he came, crying her name, holding her in place. She swallowed everything, but with a sudden cheeky grin, let a few drops run out her mouth, fall down her lips.

Just for good measure.

He looked down at her, eyes completely glazed over, and caught some of his come with his thumb, feeding it to her. With a leap of her tongue, she licked it off, grinning widely, before getting up and kissing him, just once, just short, almost sweetly.

“We should go,” she whispered against his lips and his face twitched forward, asking for more, so much it was barely noticeable.

"But you... I should...”

“Hush. No time,” she mumbled, placing a finger onto his lips.

He let out a little sigh, looking sad all of a sudden.

“Still evasive, I see.”

“You got what you wanted, didn't you?”

“I want _you_ , Doctor. Preferably happy and satisfied.”

She laughed, then turned around to put on the suit she had settled for.

“Saving the universe first. Then we can talk about the rest.”

“Mhm,” O grumbled, but began putting on his own suit. “I should've known you'd say that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the feedback guys, it really helped me feel a bit more secure while writing this chapter.... it flowed MUCH better this time so, yey, Resa might get the hang of smut scenes after all. Unless this is rubbish. But God, I hope it's not lol
> 
> Also shout-out to the one person in the comments who was like "have him say 'call me Master' " I love you, I am going to say that great minds think alike, I hope you enjoyed it! :D


	4. Chapter 4

Several thoughts went through the Doctor's head the exact moment she realised who she was facing, the exact moment he looked her up and down, bit his lip in excitement, his eyes gleaming and his grin mockingly broadened.

Most of them, however, ended with “Oh, no, no, no, no, _no_ ”.

His eyes rested on her lips for only a second too long, barely noticeable for anyone, before he grinned at her reaction, turning away, ready to gloat some more.

The Doctor stared, mindlessly, barely able to follow his words anymore.

How could a person change their whole personality like this, go from utter sweetheart to... to... _that_ so quickly.

 _That_ being hot, of course. And dangerous. Which was part of the hotness, she figured, as he towered over her, his teeth gritted together and announced how he'd finally, finally got her.

Finally.

No.

Not finally. Bad. Bad, Doctor. Plane's crashing. Friends need help.

Bad moment to be aroused.

She fought her arousal off, for a while, focused on the action and the real threat at hand, until... well... she met the Master again.

It wasn't his entrance – Mind you, she had her limits and people dying, in absolutely every aspect, was one of them.

Kneeling in front of him, however... In front of all these people even...

 _Damn_ him.

She had wanted to be angry, honestly, she had tried. Hot shame had flooded her at the thought of what she had given him... for about a second, then she had realised what had come with the shame.

So here she lay, after everything was resolved and the Master had been successfully banned into another dimension – For about a day or something, he was probably already clawing his way back out.

And she thought about it, all of it, scrolled through her phone, again and again to look at their chats, all the sexting, all the pictures she had sent all the comfort he had offered her.

It was just the ever-same game. She sighed. Nothing they hadn't done before, not really. Nothing he could use to have any power over her. But something was different, when she scrolled through all these conversations they had had.

The compassion, the affection, the gentle teasing, it all seemed to real, so different from the Master he had revealed himself as, but at the same time... so much like him. Like them. And for a second, her hearts sped up in wild hope that maybe something of the person she had once known so well... was still inside of him.

There had been love in O's eyes, genuine love and warmth and from one second of another, he had replaced it with malicious glee, torment and.... well, something that still left a glowing, tickling feeling between her legs.

The Doctor sighed, but eventually gave up, letting her head fall back into the pillow and her hand wander down hesitantly, beneath the hem of her trousers, as she was biting her lower lip. She let the images and memories flow, built around them a little, expanded them. Thought of all the eyes burning in her back, but she had no care for them, because all she saw was the look in his eyes when she knelt before him, saying his name. The mix of lust and power and longing and something infinitely softer than he probably would've liked.

She moaned.

She hadn't done this often, not before O. In a way, the Master had helped her come to terms with her new body, and now her fingers rubbed her clit knowingly, expertly, and her lips fell open in little gasps.

That's when his voice spoke in her mind, as loud and clear that it made her tear open her eyes, expecting to see him standing before her, but he wasn't here, not really.

And she was trying her very best not to be disappointed by that.

“ _Need some help, love?”_

The Doctor quickly withdrew her hand, leaving behind an ache deeper than she ever knew she could feel down there, and tried her best to find her resolve again.

“ _I sure don't. Get out of my head.”_

He chuckled and the sound sent shivers down her spine, despite just being in her head.

“ _Can't help it if you think about me that loudly. Plus. Got not much to do here.”_

“ _Poor you,”_ she spit back. “ _And I'm not thinking about you at all.”_

“ _Mh, now, none of these lies, my dear Doctor. I think about you on your knees regularly, but believe me, not from_ that _perspective.”_

The Doctor couldn't help a little smile.

_“You haven't dear Doctor-ed me in a while.”_

“ _What can I say,”_ he gave back in the tone of someone very clearly raising his eyebrow. _“You haven't given me many reasons for endearments.”_

She snorted.

“ _Right and you were an innocent angel.”_

“ _Was for a while there,”_ the Master gave back, sounding amused. _“And my my, were you into that.”_

She bit back several replies, some sharp “I used you just as much as you used me.”), some honest (“I'm always into you.”), then settled for a sigh.

“ _I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't lie to me for sex next time.”_

“ _But then you'd let your tedious morals get in the way,”_ the Master smirked. _“And that would rob both of us of good sex. Annoying, isn't it?”_

She shook her head, and, to her endless annoyance, found herself laughing.

“ _You and me both know that's not true. When it comes to you, my morals tend to abandon me.”_

“ _Charming,”_ the Master replied, sounding a little shaken up all of a sudden. Through his sudden lack of control, she got several images, projections from his mind he'd probably rather had kept hidden. She saw the Kasavaan, she saw Nazi's fists speeding towards her face, saw someone spit on her, and shuddered.

Shit, what had she _done_?

The flashes of his memories were quickly gone again, back under his control, no doubt, back to simply eat him up from the inside, with no one to talk, no one to lighten his burdens.

He had always preferred it that way. They both had.

She wasn't going to let either of them get away with this, today.

“ _I'm sorry,_ ” she whispered into his mind. “ _I'm so sorry. I didn't think.”_

“ _Don't lie to me,”_ he spat back. “ _You're already racist, now don't be a hypocrite, Doctor. You thought it through excellently. I'm almost jealous of such excellent villainy.”_ But his voice sounded bitter.

It stung, but she let it, let the pain and truth in his words spread out inside her with a sigh.

“ _Will you forgive me?”_ she asked, because she felt like it was all that was left to do. No words could make it better, nothing could take it away, nothing would make her any less guilty.

“ _I don't know,”_ the Master snorted. _“Will you forgive me?_ ”

She thought about it, thought about the things she had seen on Gallifrey, the things he had done, thought about her friends fighting for their lives in a crashing plane, about Earth almost being turned into living data storage, about Missy, looking at her one last time before leaving, and sighed.

“ _Of course I will. It's you, after all.”_

A tiny, tiny surge of warmth spread inside of her and she realised only a second before it was gone, that it wasn't her own.

“ _Then don't ask stupid questions, will you?”_

She smiled.

For a second, they just existed like that, sharing a mind, feeling connected like it was the old days. The Doctor supposed the contact they had had earlier had re-connected a bond that had once been so strong, that it had taken centuries to quiet down, get them used to the silence.

She wasn't sure she could do it a second time, wasn't sure she had the strength to lock him out again.

“ _Then don't.”_

The words were so quiet, she could've mistaken them for her own thoughts, if she hadn't known better.

“ _I'm not sure I can trust you in my mind.”_

“ _You can never trust me,_ ” he agreed.

“ _... So?”_

_“So don't. Doesn't mean you have to lock me out.”_

She shook her head with a roll of her eyes.

“ _Right. Can't reason with that indisputable logic.”_

“ _I'm tired. Aren't you tired of being alone?”_

“ _Well,”_ the Doctor gave back sharply. _“If someone hadn't destroyed our home planet...”_

The Master snorted.

_“Likewise.”_

That was a point well done, she supposed. She sighed.

“ _So... are you gonna finish this or what?”_ the Master suddenly asked with a playful tone.

“ _Finish... what?”_ the Doctor fell out of her thoughts, then blushed quickly when she realised what exactly he was talking about, as he sent her his own memories and she could see herself, kneeling before him, looking up at him with that cute look of defiance.

She raised an eyebrow.

“ _You think I'm cute?”_

“ _Always. Now why don't move your cute hand down to your cute cunt and share some good sensations with me, huh?”_

The Doctor shivered.

“ _You think I'm just going to do that now? With you? After... after...”_

“ _Oh, come on!”_ the Master snapped. _“You want me. You wanted me even when you had no idea it was me.”_

“ _I wanted him,_ ” she corrected him quietly.

“ _I_ am _him.”_

“ _No. You... you're nothing like him. You're... I don't even know what you are, because nothing about you is ever real, ever genuine. You're just one mask underneath another, I barely know you anymore.”_

“ _You want something real, Doctor?”_

Could a mental voice crack? Because she felt like his had definitely cracked. But before she could think about it any further, she realised something entirely else had cracked. Waves and waves of over-powering emotion that wasn't her own, all crashing down on her in the exact same moment, smothering her, overwhelming her, tearing her with her. There was love and affection, there was adoration and fascination, there was rage and hate and pain and torment and sadness, so much sadness, it drove tears into her eyes.

When the strange feelings finally subsided, she was still lying on her bed, stunned, tears rolling down her cheeks, breathing going heavy. She didn't move, felt like she had just been struck down from the inside. Real, All of it and nothing at the same time, as it was so often with them.

Before she could regain her composure, the Master let something in trickle in.

A sensation of lust burnt through her, sharp and powerful and she flinched from the strength of it, moaning his name loudly before she could stop herself.

“ _Come on, Doctor,”_ she heard him in his mind, voice raw and raspy – As she knew it wouldn't have to be, but leave it to the bastard to even sound seductive in her mind.

He had created a feedback circle and she could feel his own sensations, knew in this very moment that he was touching himself and that's when she finally pushed her resolve over-board and let her hands wander back down, another moan of relief falling from her lips as she finally had her fingers where she needed them most. She was dripping wet and needed him to get on with it badly.

_“Master.”_

Another hot surge of lust shot through her and she laughed.

Saying his name just always got him.

“ _Say it again, Doctor. Pl...”_

He had stopped the thought, but not soon enough, she had caught it. A simple, harmless afterthought, something that had slipped into her mind so easily, something he had thought so little of, before he remembered who they were.

She still felt a piece of his sadness in the back of her mind, could feel it like a dampening mantle around her hearts and sighed.

“ _Master.”_

“ _You liked it, didn't you? Kneeling in front of me, showing everyone your true place?”_

She couldn't deny she had, not like this, not with all her arousal, all her feelings intertwined with his own, connected in an endless feedback loop.

She moaned again and he chuckled.

“ _Say it, love. I want to hear you admit it.”_

“ _I did, I did, I liked it, Master please...”_

Another shot of... God, whatever it was. This mix of her own arousal with his, it was completely over-powering, driving her to the edge so quickly...

She tried hard to hold back, her eyes falling shut again as she rubbed her clit.

He was close too, she could tell...

“ _Would you haver done it?”_ he asked, sounding breathless, sounding like only his immense talent of self-control was holding him together. _“Had I told you to suck my cock there and then, before all them, would you have done it?”_

She groaned, genuinely not sure.

A picture appeared in her mind, her on her knees before him, sucking eagerly, head bobbing back and forth, and everyone was watching with wide eyes. She came with a cry, pulling him with her and neither of them could tell anymore, could tell who even had conjured the picture. The double sensation of two orgasms sped through them, leaving them breathless as her little, dark bedroom filled with gasps and moans, then finally fell quiet.

For a while, then, there was comforting silence, both of them trying to catch their breath, their heads empty from all worries, all conflicting feelings, just... them, being, together, and it was bliss.

The Master was the first to regain speech and break the moment – As she knew he would.

“ _See? You want me.”_

“ _Of course I do. You didn't honestly think you had to prove that to me, did you?”_

“ _Not to you...”_ came a response, in a little mumble that made the Doctor sure he hadn't actually meant to reply.

“ _Come here,”_ she sighed, trying not to let him know she had heard it, leave him some control. _“You said you're tired of being alone. Come here. Just one night? A truce?”_

She could feel his hesitation through their connection.

“ _You know I'm currently not able to leave...”_

“ _Oh, don't start,”_ she cut him off with a roll of her eyes. _“You're not exactly subtle when you jerk off in my mind like that, I saw flashes of your TARDIS bedroom at least three times. Come over.”_

Amusement rolled through their bond.

_“You've seen my bedroom, then? Did some exploring, did you?”_

She laughed.

 _“Yeah. Saw that sweet little picture of us in your night stand, too,”_ she lied. _“Now are you coming, or what?”_

A jolt of surprise that wasn't her own and she giggled as he sent out an accidental memory of the picture in his drawer, two boys, drawn in black ink, laughing together in the wide fields.

“ _I made that up, but thanks for the confirmation.”_

He growled.

“ _You left my TARDIS for me to find.”_

Another attempt at regaining the upper hand, stay in control. It was so much easier to read him like this, with his insecurity and fears soaring inside her own mind. So much easier to look beneath all these masks and find the man she had once loved more than herself.

“ _It's your home,”_ she replied. _“I took it once, I didn't plan on do it to you again. My TARDIS is all I have, I wouldn't know what to do without her.”_

When he spoke again, it wasn't in her mind, but from a few steps away, where he was leaning in the doorway, grinning widely.

“Wouldn't worry about that, love. You'll always have me.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Well, that was quick,” the Doctor replied before she could think, looking up in surprise.

The Master entered with a little chuckle.

“I was nearby.”

“Mhm. Course you were.” The Doctor's lips twitched. “How very typical.”

“You wanted me to come,” he reminded her, still steadily walking towards the bed.

“I did. Like you said. I'm tired of being alone.”

She smiled at him, and in return, his smug little smile turned gentler immediately.

He climbed onto her bed now, crawling towards her on his knees, arms spread and the Doctor, unable to hold back a second longer, dragged herself up to fall into his arms, sinking into the embrace. He was surprisingly gentle, rubbing her back in small circles, his chin resting on her head. He pressed occasional kisses onto her hair, but never let go, always holding her tightly and the Doctor felt like a part of her soul snapped back in place, finally, finally preparing to heal.

God, they had been separated for so long, she had almost forgotten, forgotten how much he was a part of her.

“You've been gone for too long,” she whispered and he snorted, quietly, gently, but still snorting.

“You pushed me away.”

“I know I did. I shouldn't have. I need you, I need this.”

He smiled into her hair, she could feel it, not on her head, but in her soul, she could feel the mix of sadness and relief in that smile, too, and sighed.

“Never thought I'd hear you say that.”

“I'm not good at admitting it.”

“Not it's not... that. I just didn't think you did. The past few centuries it felt like I'm the only one doing all the needing.”

“Right,” the Doctor grinned into his chest. “Because me desperately running to the next best human fool that was ready to fall in love with me for any kind of validation without having to let him get too close, that wasn't enough of a hint, was it?”

The Master shrugged, making her head shift a little and she looked up to see his uncomfortable expression.

“It was a hint that you'd pick the next best human fool over me – as usual,” he finally admitted, his words tumbling out quickly and his voice thin.

The Doctor shook her head, taking his face into her hands, and she felt his hands around her waist tighten, as if he was scared she would walk out on him now.

God, he probably was.

“Never,” she breathed against his lips. “Not once, not ever. Look at it that way. I didn't even know it and still picked you again.”

There was something there, on the Master' face, a trace of a feeling gone so fast, she couldn't tell what it had been. His hands trembled when he moved them up to grip her wrists and hold them in place around his face.

“And you'd pick me again no matter what, right?” he asked, a sudden urgency in his tone, making the Doctor suspicious.

“I wouldn't say no matter what, but...” she started, but he barely seemed to hear her, interrupting her almost immediately.

“Even if it turns out that our... our....”

He stopped, his eyes wide and his hearts racing in his chest, so close to her own that she could feel them vibrate through her body.

“What's wrong?” the Doctor wanted to know. “What are you not telling me?”

The Master opened his mouth, attempted to speak again, but then simply shook his head, resigning.

“Okay, fine, don't tell me then.” The Doctor flashed him a little smile. “But let me show you.”

“Show me what?” he whispered and she grinned.

“How much I need you, duh.”

The Master's expression changed immediately, a little crooked grin replacing the confusion on his face and his eyes lighted up.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” she breathed, eyes now falling down to his lips and it was easy, so easy to just lean in for the kiss, their lips barely apart in the first place, and... Gods, she had needed something real, had needed the sweet taste on her lips, the soft pressure slowly growing as he pressed her against his body, slowly let her fall back into the pillows, while his lips started wandering.

Phone sex, sure, it had been fun, exchanging pictures and texts and concepts and fantasies, glorious, connecting minds was always beautiful, but the sensations filling her now were something else entirely, it was actual, physical closeness, hands on her body, lips on her skin and the unending relief of knowing that no matter how much they burnt each other up, she'd never, ever lose the Master.

He climbed further down her body, far down enough for her to wrap her legs around his chest, press him tighter against herself and he chuckled lightly, tracing down the fine hair on her stomach with his lips, kissing the inside of her thighs. She could feel him biting down gently and moaned eagerly when he soothed her reddened skin with another kiss.

“Please,” she whispered, her hands grabbing his hair frantically, trying to drag him to where she really needed his mouth, a steady ache building between her legs.

The Master grinned.

“Don't you worry, love,” he promised. “I haven't forgotten that I still owe you one.”

“Well then... get on with it,” she gasped and the Master grinned smugly again, placing another teasing kiss to the inside of both of her thighs, before finally moving on, pulling down her soaked panties with a hungry glow in his eyes.

“My poor, neglected Doctor,” he whispered against her bare sex, and laughed at her little twitch. “So wet for your Master already."

She gave him a little impatient kick with her foot and the Master, now clearly fighting to hold back a laugh, finally complied, his face disappearing between her legs and his tongue doing.... _Oh_.

Now, he'd better do _that_ again.

It was nice, being able to lean back and let someone else take care of her pleasure for once. She had almost forgotten what it was like, being taken care of like this. And the Master did, he really did. He had stopped teasing her now, his tongue slipping into her folds, lips gently sucking at her clit now and again, making the Doctor curl her toes in desperate moans.

“ _You're beautiful like this,”_ he spoke, right into her mind and the Doctor rolled her eyes.

_“You can't even see me right now.”_

“ _I can feel you, taste you, hear you and am inside your mind. I don't need to see you to know you're beautiful, Doctor.”_

It struck her there and then, how truly intimate they were, how much of herself she had given to him, how well he knew her and how easy it was, so incredibly easy to simply be with him, to let him in, in absolutely every aspect and she came with a cry, a wave of overwhelming feelings and sensation rolling over the both of them.

He crawled up her body lazily, kissing her with a little smirk still playing around his mouth and she could taste herself sticky on his lips.

“Considering this is the first time I'm a woman, I'm not sure if I should be happy or offended at how good you are at this,” she whispered and the Master laughed, nibbling at her earlobe gently.

“What, because _you_ never had sex with anyone else?”

“I did,” she admitted, turning her head to look at him. “But I'm beginning to wonder how many of these times were actually with you without me knowing.”

He laughed at that, a light, genuine sound, so different from his usual manic laugh, escaping his lips as he threw his head back into the pillows.

“And I wonder how many of these times it was a Zygon,” he finally brought out between giggles.

The Doctor's eyes widened. “Oh no. You heard about that?”

The Master's giggle intensified. “Oh, I heard about it, alright.”

“That was an accident, you gotta believe me,” she muttered dramatically, while the Master, still grinning, pressed gentle kisses against the underside of her breasts. “I didn't know!”

“Had I known you're into red, slimy suckers, I would've stepped my game up in regeneration years ago,” he assured her, eyes widened to transport seriousness, but as soon as the words were out, he burst out into another fit of laughter, dragging the Doctor with him.

“Red and slimy is alright, but I promise you, dark, brooding and bearded is more my thing.”

“Oh, it is, is it?” the Master grinned, pulling her into another gentle kiss, but this time, he lingered, his restlessness replaced with a gentle grip around her hips and when his questioning gaze met hers, she nodded.

Only the slight tremble of the Master's hands when he rushed to open his trousers gave away just how much he needed her right now. He pulled them down hastily, not wasting any time as he pulled her into another kiss, more passionately now. His hard cock brushed against the side of her thighs and the Doctor could feel another wave of lust as his arms wrapped around her hips and he lined himself up. When he pushed in with his eyes closed, a long, drawn-out moan escaped him and she looked up with a dazed expression, watching the mix of relief and pleasure spread out on his face.

“You're beautiful like this,” she echoed his own words back at him, feeling quite breathless.

The Master's eyes fluttered open, a wide, genuine smile slowly forming.

“I missed you.”

She nodded, because she didn't know what to say, didn't know how to explain the intensity of having had to live without him, the intensity of how much she had missed that part of her, only realised today, when she had gotten it back and everything had fallen back into place, the aching subsided and her soul felt whole again.

Luckily, she didn't need to say anything, because the Master began thrusting into her, gentle at first, luring out soft moans from both of them, before he got a bit more confident. His thrusts got harder and the Doctor let her head fall back, back arched, feeling him inside her, in absolutely every way and it was so _right_.

The Master's pace quickened when he got closer, she could feel him chase his orgasm with frantic urgency and simply rocked with his thrusts, kissing him deeply, swallowing up his little cry when he finally fell over the edge, right before her, swallowed the name he choked out, so heavy on his tongue, he could barely bring it out and they would both pretend it had never happened.

Because oh, they weren't Theta and Koschei anymore, that much became painfully apparent when they cleaned each other up and the Master's dark, gloomy eyes flicked to the door once and again. The Doctor sighed as she took his hands and led him back to the bed with him to sit.

“You don't have to leave. Just stay.”

“There are things you don't know,” he replied darkly. “Things you won't like. In the slightest.”

“Of course there are,” she grumbled. “Aren't there always with you?” She let her hands run through his dark hair soothingly. It was even softer than she had imagined it, and she liked the feeling of it between her fingers. “Tell me in the morning, then. The offer still stands. Truce for tonight.”

He gave her a little side glance, still torn between leaving and staying, but she felt him lean into her touch already, felt him fight against her gentleness and losing, and finally, he nodded.

Climbing back into the pillows, they laid down, all wrapped up in one another, naked skin meeting naked skin and it was better than she had even imagined, it was like returning home. The Doctor curled up in his arms and in turn, he curled up all around her, needing her to hold him as much as she needed him and for a second, he looked like a sad little boy again.

“We'll be alright,” she promised, because they both needed to believe it, for tonight. “No matter what happens. We will be alright.”

“I love you,” he whispered, so quietly she would've thought it was her imagination, if his words hadn't been breathed warm against the crook of her neck. They shouldn't have any weight anymore, not really, when both of them already knew that, had long, long known that, but she knew how difficult it was for him to say them, and so she simply kissed his temple gently, smiling.

“And I love you. Always.”

He seemed content with that, slowly drifting into sleep beside her, and the Doctor watched over him until calm ran over him like a shudder, made his breathing still and his face relax, refusing to close her eyes, refusing to let tomorrow come.

Tonight they were whole and she was simply holding onto it a little bit longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all of you for being part of what was basically me practicing writing smut... I've actually gotten more confident with that over the course of this story, which is amazing because I really had given up on ever being able to write smut in fanfics, so yeah. :D there's that! Thanks for reading and all the kudos and comments, I loved this story more than I should.


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